It don't come easy

I'm lost. That much I know.

<----(This is a picture of me looking lost. Sad, isn't it?)

I spent two-and-a-half long years writing The Devil You Don't Know, and all it's given me so far is form rejections from agents. Sigh. I know I've whined on this blog countless times about how my book sucks, etc.

But really, I'm starting to wonder. Between the form rejections and beta readers just up and disappearing on me (for reals), I'm beginning to think I'm wasting my time. I've started two books since then, and bagged them both. I quit writing the sequel to TDYDK when it became clear that it's very likely the first one will spend eternity on my hard drive. I then started a political thriller, but quit after 20k words because, while I was enjoying it, it felt lightweight. I think I started it for all the wrong reasons -- mainly because I didn't want to have to work as hard on the next one as I had worked on the first.

Bad move on my part.

So when I had a great idea for a big, kick-ass action thriller last week, I spent several days plotting it out, doing an outline and creating a cast of characters. I started writing it over the weekend and really liked the first chapter. A lot.

The second chapter? Meh. Not so much.

Now I'm blocked. I sat for hours today, staring at the screen. And nothing would come. Nothing. Every idea I had to move the story forward seemed dumb. Stupid. Amateurish.

What a stupid fucking way to try to make a living, I decided. And I closed the manuscript and signed on to the Internet. And here I am. Yay me.

I think I'm scared. I remember how much work it was to complete the first novel, and I literally quake at the thought of spending another year or two working that hard ... for nothing.

At least, nothing so far.

I really wish I was one of those confident people who just brush rejection off and keep on going. Sometimes, I think I am. But then days like today come around, and I start to wonder.

At lunch, I cranked up the kitchen radio while I ate my omelet and an old song by Ringo Starr came on. It brought tears to my eyes, which ought to tell you something about my state of mind these days.

Anyway, here's some of the lyrics to "It Don't Come Easy." If you haven't heard it, give it a twirl on YouTube. Ringo was in a band at one time, you know ... ;)

Got to pay your dues
if you wanna sing the blues,
And you know it don't come easy.
You don't have to shout or leap all about,
You can even play them easy.

Open up your heart,
let's come together,
Use a little love
And we will make it work out better

I don't ask for much,
I only want trust,
And you know it don't come easy.
And this love of mine keeps growing all the time,
And you know it don't come easy.

Please remember peace is how we make it,
Here within your reach
If you're big enough to take it.