The finger is feeling fine, and the manuscript got better.
So despite the Midwest's version of Snowmageddon, I had a pretty good Monday. I spent about six hours revisioning and rewriting Chapter 12, yet another key chapter that needed much work, according to Staley, my awesome book editor.
The chapter contains a couple of big scenes, including one in which a 16-year-old girl is saved (or is she?) by Jordan Crane, the boy who might be the Messiah. Or the Devil. Ahem.
Here's a portion of the scene as it appeared before revision:
“What if I told you I can help you?” he said.
“Ha ha. That’s really funny,” she said, her voice breaking. “Trust me, Jordan. No one can help me. I’m on my own.”
“You’re never on your own, Sam,” Jordan said. “God is always with you, even when it feels like He’s not.”
“Oh please. Spare me the God shit, Jordan,” Sam said angrily, looking at him for the first time. “If there was a God, I wouldn’t be feeling like this in the first place. So just drop it and leave before you piss me off even more than you already have.”
“Someone has hurt you,” Jordan continued. “No one should have to go through life feeling such pain. There is One who has all power. That One is God. Let Him into your heart.”
“Just go away!” Sam groaned, sliding away from him. “What is it with you Jesus freaks? Why are you always wanting to cram God down people’s throats?”
“But you want God, Sam. I can feel it,” he said, gently reaching out and placing his hand on her arm. She felt the electric jolt of his touch all the way to her toes. “Can’t you feel it, too?”
And just like that, she did. The misery in her heart began to dissolve into a million tiny pieces, each one piercing her soul like a dagger. She cried out once and began sobbing, her entire body shaking with the effort.
“Let it go,” Jordan said, folding her into his arms. “I’m right here.”
“Oh God help me,” she sobbed, burying her head into his warm shoulder. “I can’t stand this
anymore. It hurts so bad. Please help me.”
Here's the same scene as revised:
“What if I told you I could help you?” he said.
“Ha ha. That’s really funny,” she said, her voice breaking. “Trust me, Jordan. No one can help me. I’m on my own.”
“You’re never on your own, Sam,” Jordan said. “God is always with you, even when it feels like He’s not.”
“Oh, please. Spare me the God shit, Jordan,” Sam said, looking at him for the first time. “If there was a God, I wouldn’t be feeling like this in the first place. So just drop it and leave before you piss me off even more than you already have.”
“Someone has hurt you,” Jordan continued. “No one should have to go through life feeling such pain. There is One who has all power. That One is God. Let Him into your heart.”
“Just go away!” Sam groaned, sliding away from him. “What is it with you Jesus freaks? Why do you always cram God down people’s throats?”
“But you want God, Sam. I can feel it,” he said, reaching out and placing his hand on her arm. “Can’t you?”
The orgasmic shock of his touch curled her bare toes. Sam looked at him, her eyes wide, as the misery in her heart dissolved into a million tiny pieces, each one piercing her soul like a dagger. She cried out once and sobbed, her entire body trembling.
“No,” she said, gasping. She struck him in the chest with her fists. “Please. Don’t.”
“Let it go,” Jordan whispered, gripping her by the shoulders and folding her into his arms. “I’m right here.”
“Oh God, help me,” she sobbed. She buried her head into his warm shoulder. “I can’t stand this anymore. It hurts. God, it hurts. Please help me.”
So, there it is. Once again, I tried to show rather than tell. Let me know what you think. Oh, and have a great Monday. Happy Snowmageddon!
So despite the Midwest's version of Snowmageddon, I had a pretty good Monday. I spent about six hours revisioning and rewriting Chapter 12, yet another key chapter that needed much work, according to Staley, my awesome book editor.
The chapter contains a couple of big scenes, including one in which a 16-year-old girl is saved (or is she?) by Jordan Crane, the boy who might be the Messiah. Or the Devil. Ahem.
Here's a portion of the scene as it appeared before revision:
“What if I told you I can help you?” he said.
“Ha ha. That’s really funny,” she said, her voice breaking. “Trust me, Jordan. No one can help me. I’m on my own.”
“You’re never on your own, Sam,” Jordan said. “God is always with you, even when it feels like He’s not.”
“Oh please. Spare me the God shit, Jordan,” Sam said angrily, looking at him for the first time. “If there was a God, I wouldn’t be feeling like this in the first place. So just drop it and leave before you piss me off even more than you already have.”
“Someone has hurt you,” Jordan continued. “No one should have to go through life feeling such pain. There is One who has all power. That One is God. Let Him into your heart.”
“Just go away!” Sam groaned, sliding away from him. “What is it with you Jesus freaks? Why are you always wanting to cram God down people’s throats?”
“But you want God, Sam. I can feel it,” he said, gently reaching out and placing his hand on her arm. She felt the electric jolt of his touch all the way to her toes. “Can’t you feel it, too?”
And just like that, she did. The misery in her heart began to dissolve into a million tiny pieces, each one piercing her soul like a dagger. She cried out once and began sobbing, her entire body shaking with the effort.
“Let it go,” Jordan said, folding her into his arms. “I’m right here.”
“Oh God help me,” she sobbed, burying her head into his warm shoulder. “I can’t stand this
anymore. It hurts so bad. Please help me.”
Here's the same scene as revised:
“What if I told you I could help you?” he said.
“Ha ha. That’s really funny,” she said, her voice breaking. “Trust me, Jordan. No one can help me. I’m on my own.”
“You’re never on your own, Sam,” Jordan said. “God is always with you, even when it feels like He’s not.”
“Oh, please. Spare me the God shit, Jordan,” Sam said, looking at him for the first time. “If there was a God, I wouldn’t be feeling like this in the first place. So just drop it and leave before you piss me off even more than you already have.”
“Someone has hurt you,” Jordan continued. “No one should have to go through life feeling such pain. There is One who has all power. That One is God. Let Him into your heart.”
“Just go away!” Sam groaned, sliding away from him. “What is it with you Jesus freaks? Why do you always cram God down people’s throats?”
“But you want God, Sam. I can feel it,” he said, reaching out and placing his hand on her arm. “Can’t you?”
The orgasmic shock of his touch curled her bare toes. Sam looked at him, her eyes wide, as the misery in her heart dissolved into a million tiny pieces, each one piercing her soul like a dagger. She cried out once and sobbed, her entire body trembling.
“No,” she said, gasping. She struck him in the chest with her fists. “Please. Don’t.”
“Let it go,” Jordan whispered, gripping her by the shoulders and folding her into his arms. “I’m right here.”
“Oh God, help me,” she sobbed. She buried her head into his warm shoulder. “I can’t stand this anymore. It hurts. God, it hurts. Please help me.”
So, there it is. Once again, I tried to show rather than tell. Let me know what you think. Oh, and have a great Monday. Happy Snowmageddon!
I like the improvements. Great Job, Terry.
ReplyDeleteSounds good! And congrats on surviving Snowmageddon =)
ReplyDeleteVery good, it really plays out well. Great work, Terry, I can't wait to read the whole thing, the more I read, the more intrigued I get. The story really seems to be something that will get optioned into a movie.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, if someone touched me with an orgasmic shock, the last thing I would be telling them to do is stop... ;)
ReplyDeleteSubtle, simple and good revisions.